Well, here it is again – the last day of the year. It’s the time when we reflect on the recent past. I find that what floats seemingly unbidden into my awareness are those things that disappoint – or worse. I’m disappointed that I didn’t complete John’s afghan – the one I’ve been knitting for THREE years! I’m embarrassed that I didn’t lose those 10, well 15, pounds and that roll of fat around my middle. I’m ashamed of the judgments I’ve held against some of my dearest and most precious friends – you know who you are and I’m sorry.
Of course, I did many things for which I’m grateful, proud, and humbled, but I work myself over with the other stuff and there are gifts for me there. In my case, it’s almost always about how I was being with someone else. My choice, then, is how I want to be with myself in the face of that reality.
I can beat myself up. I do that more than I want to admit – and then I beat myself up for beating myself up.
I can justify my behavior. I’m often impressed by how elegantly convincing are my excuses, provided that’s, and limits from ‘out there.’
I can give up on myself, convinced that any attempts to ‘improve’ are futile because life is hopeless and I’m worthless.
I can get into pure desire then buck up with yet another list of New Year’s Resolutions.
Or I can say “thank you’ for EVERYthing in my life in the year gone by. I can search for and find ALL that was true. I can take myself back to those most vivid experiences and find everything that was part of that reality. I can discover MY part in each event, those I liked as well as those that just shouldn’t have happened. THAT’s the part that I can affect. I just can’t make Life, or my friends, my government, my spouse, those people who try to sell me stuff . . . do what I want. I have precious little to do with most of what happens to me. I have a LOT to do about what I do and how I’m being.
And then I choose. No matter which way I go, it is my choice. Just notice and choose. Notice and choose. It’s that simple though it isn’t easy to choose the more challenging path of taking responsibility for your experience. Practicing mastery is NOT the easy path, though in so many ways, it’s really the simplest.
Blessings to you for all you did and all you were in 2009 no matter what.
Sharon
